For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
