Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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