Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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