omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
