Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
