His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
