Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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