Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
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It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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