I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
