I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
