If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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