I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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