I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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