turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
