Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
