I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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