Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
