I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
