I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
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Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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