I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
