I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
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I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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