it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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