He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
