We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
now i know why i became what i already was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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