was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
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did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
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And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this