I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's just like the Real World with babies
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.