apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
