we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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