positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
