Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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