i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
