you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
