Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
