did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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