your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I had to cum in my sink.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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