Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
