Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we made out on top of his cat.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
