Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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