last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
