she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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