Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
