i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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