You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
