who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
