News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
