dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
