The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
