Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
