i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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