I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
