Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
