I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
