i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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