You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
