gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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