dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I think my fart just growled at me.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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