Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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