You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
