Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
