SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
