you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
