I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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