If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
