A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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