Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
