rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
