hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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