Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
